This is an account of how some people's mornings begin:
My day began at 0500, after a fitful night’s sleep,
due to barking dogs and a heat pump on the fritz.
I ventured down the hall to the bathroom for a
shower. Upon my arrival at the bathroom, I discovered an ant-infested pile of what
appeared to be discarded dipping tobacco. I used the only immediately available
substance, cinnamon-scented air freshener, to kill the ants… Or at least annoy
them. They curled up in a ball and were cold, unhappy, and stank of the air
freshener. Their reception back at the nest would be amusing. Having stunned
the ants with stench and CO2, I then retrieved some toilet paper to dispose of
the offending blob.
As I went to drop the blob in the toilet, I was
shocked to find something already occupying the toilet. It was a TURD. It was
the approximate size of a baby’s arm in length and girth, extending down out of
sight into the flush opening, with several inches protruding above the
waterline, resting against the side of the bowl. It was a rather impressive
specimen, being uniform in thickness and apparent consistency throughout its
length. It possessed a medium-brown nut-like color, and showed no signs of its
producer having consumed corn, peanuts, or any similar edibles recently.
Resting on top of the offending fecal log was a
minute quantity of used toilet paper. I was troubled by the fact that the
individual who produced this monstrosity had failed to flush the toilet despite
having achieved adulthood. I was even more alarmed by the fact that the
aforementioned toilet paper scrap was drastically insufficient to have effected
a clean ass of the size that could have produced such a monumental pile of
shit.
The only conclusion I can draw from this observation
is that residing on my house is an individual with no manners, an incredibly elastic
anus, and more skid marks in his shorts than can be found on the Talladega
Motor Speedway. The truly sad part was that had this reprehensible and
mannerless creature attempted to flush the immense creation, it would have gone
away very easily, being point-down and not sideways in the bowl. It left
rapidly, and I only wished that the assaultive stink, reminiscent of baked
camel ass, had followed it down the pipes with the cinnamon-smelling ants, and
not remained as a unpleasant mnemonic for the current occupant of the bathroom.
Glorious.
